See Who I Am
by xInspired
Summary: Reality isn't for everyone. In fact, it becomes a prison for Bella Swan. One-shot. Set after Edward leaves her. Rated M for reasons.


_music; coldplay - warning sign_

* * *

The wet pavement is beginning to rub my bare feet raw. It's three in the morning and I'm walking on a deserted street in the warehouse district of Port Angeles. I can't help but wonder why I didn't think to put on some shoes before I left. I mean, isn't it common sense to put on a pair of shoes before you walk out into pouring rain? Looking down I realized I didn't have a coat on either. My hair is dripping heavy down my back and I have gooseflesh, and yet here I am, walking down the street with nothing on but torn jeans and a fucking pathetic excuse of a shirt.

…and I'm not wearing shoes.

Although, now that I think about it, I do like how the rain feels against my exposed flesh. The way it makes my skin tingle, and the way it catches on my lashes then runs down my cheeks like freshwater tears… I can hardly feel the cold.

-x-

After a few more steps I stop and take a deep breathe, and through the light patter of rain, I hear someone humming a melody.

I don't even bother to wonder where it's coming from because it seems that lately I've been hearing all sorts of things that aren't actually there.

I close my eyes for just a moment and get lost; the rain turns into cool silk and wraps around my legs, and I can almost taste crimson. It falls from the stars leaving the sky clear and twinkling. Not a cloud in sight.

But when I open my eyes, all I see is gray.

-x-

I finally approach the abandoned warehouse that I've been searching for. Slipping through a hole in the fence that surrounds a neighboring vacant lot, I make my way up to beige, industrial-looking door on the side. I pound on it twice, making sure my presence is noticed. Anxiously, I tap my bare toes until the door opens to reveal a young girl with ever changing blue eyes.

She smiles brightly and ushers me in quickly, then disappears through a door only to return with dry towels.

"Thank you." I say in a whisper as I pat myself dry. Her small lips are half smiling at my quiet embarrassment.

"I wasn't expecting to see you back here so soon" she says to me. Her voice was like wind chimes, soft and tinkling.

I blushed, getting further embarrassed. "Well, I…uhm, couldn't wait any longer. I've never had anything as pure, or as raw, as what you gave to me last time. I…I want more." Desperation seeps into my voice as I stutter out that last word. She raised her eyebrow and looked me up and down.

"You know it's not cheap."

I nodded. Of course it wasn't cheap, it was the best you could buy in the state of Washington.

"I know, I know. I have the money to pay you," I rush out eager for her to give me that little taste of numbness. Of course, the money I was using to pay her came out of my college fund, but it's not like I was intending to go anyway.

She eyed me skeptically as she contemplated. "I'm not sure about this. You were just here two days ago. I don't know how you would respond with such a short time span in between both visits. Your body isn't use to it, and what I give you is strong and you pay to get quite a bit of it. Not to mention you're just as small as I am..." Worry was evident in her voice as she nervously spewed out her concerns.

"Please don't deny me this." I pleaded. I needed to escape. I need to stitch up a never-healing wound and pretend for a little while that it doesn't exist. I need to actually feel the things I've been imagining. I need to feel blissful, even if it's just for a short time.

"Please," I begged her once more.

She sighed in defeat and ran her delicate hands through her hair.

"Come with me."

I got up and followed her to the back room where the red lights glowed.

-x-

My eager eyes watch intently as she measures out the blessed snow white powder and mixes it with lemon juice and water. She then took a fresh syringe and drew up my desired amount. Pure bliss was just around the corner and the anticipation had my whole body on edge.

She gave me one more withering glance before asking for my arm, which I quickly surrendered to her. I close my eyes and start to breathe deeply as she preps my arm.

First I felt the needle pierce my flesh, and then winced as I felt the sting from the lemon juice enter my veins.

And it begins.

It doesn't take to long before it hits me.  
-x-

How long has it been? Five minutes? Five hours? The passage of time sounds like tales from a story book. Like something the human imagination has made up.

My brain has somehow managed to escape the confines of my skull and is now spinning dizzily under the sun.

My heart keeps pumping and pumping until I'm sure it's about to crack a rib. It's beating so hard that I'm concerned it might stop.

My lids are fluttering and my muscles are twitching. Everything seems to be charged with bright white electricity.

Then space stands still for a moment before it starts back again.  
**  
**Time does not exist anymore

-x-

I arrive back home roughly around ten that morning. Walking into the empty, cold house I head straight to my room. My father is probably at work. I wonder if he even noticed I was missing last night.

I collapsed on my bed, my body exhausted. I can't seem to remember what it's like to not be tired anymore.

Letting out a sigh I go over to the window and sit on the ledge letting one leg dangle out in the misty air. Lighting up a cigarette and just listening to the rain for a bit I let myself wander.

Self-destruction is what I do best it seems. It's so easy for me. Just one more drink, just one more pill. There's no such thing as limits where I exist, so I keep going until I'll exist no more.

Simple.

But no matter how far I go, my heart still hurts. It literally aches. Every time it pulses I feel spasms of pain through my chest.  
I don't know what to do with it anymore. It just sits behind my ribs pumping blood.

Pathetic really. I should put it out of its misery.

-x-

"Waste your false concern on someone who gives a shit." I said these words as I walked out the door, bags in hand.

How fucking dare he. Trying to pretend he suddenly cares after months of turning the other cheek while I faded away to this, me.

Jesus, since when is sobbing physically painful?

I ask too many questions. And lately everything I do is physically painful.

-x-

"You're not real." I choke out.

These men in white coats are not real. They can't take me away. They don't exist.

"You're just a figment of my imagination," I whisper trying to coax myself out of this delusion.

They saunter impossibly closer as I scramble back on the dirty linoleum floor.

_No. Please no.  
_  
I slide back until I'm against the wall, shaking my head in defeat, and the tears are flowing freely now.

The one with the needle is coming closer. For once I don't think I want whatever is in that syringe.

My arms are grabbed from the side, and I do struggle, as much as my drug addled body could struggle anyway. But they are bigger and much stronger. A needle pierces my flesh and consciousness slowly trickles away.

I suddenly feel nothing. I must be nothing then.

-x-

Sitting on my white cot in my rectangle room, I scrutinize the bottle of Valium I swiped when the doctor's back was turned.

I took a final breath of resolution and downed all of its contents.

I think I was able to hear my final heartbeat.

When I woke up I was in a garden of white roses and apple trees. The air smelled of sweetness, and I was twirling in rainwater satin with lavender ribbons of light trickling over my skin.

And he was there. With eyes like emeralds and lips made for sin.

* * *

A/N This was a story I had written some time ago when I was involved in all the Twilight hype, but for some reason the admins here on ff deleted it. So here's the new altered version. I hope you enjoy. Please excuse all grammatical/spelling errors. I just really hate proof reading. Other than that all criticism is welcomed.


End file.
